Broken

Old poem of mine I just found again:

When I change, I change too fast
One day a sentence can't help but make me laugh.
The next I read in far too deep
My eyes are bloodshot, I cannot sleep.
When I speak, I say too much
I hand over power to hurt without touch.
Soon I am wounded, cut, slashed
I loath the fire but light the match.
When I cry, I cry too long
I'm bitter but still claim that nothing is wrong.
I shudder and shiver and hide under sheets
I look back at letters, but lonely defeats.
When I laugh, I do not pause
Nobody knows insecure is the cause.
My dimples dent but my teeth still chatter
They don't think to check if anything's a matter.
When I'm depressed, and dying inside
"It's a teenager thing," those I share with all chide.
I hug my knees and sloppily dress
They think it's my style but I'm just a mess.

Invincible

Invincible. I thought you were Invincible.
The type I swore that I'd avoid, laughing at the naive girls who fell for that
But you weren't a category and I didn't know
I wasn't aware that you were art, that you were a million broken pieces
I could never sort into any stereotype I found in my books.

I thought I was unbreakable and worse, I thought you broke me
The walls I built and abuses I threw to try and protect my anticipated pain was just a paradox
A paradox that stole from me the happiness you gave and gave
I was the one that was naive.

My shitty poetry can't fix what I broke
These written words won't mend the fact that I was blinded to my faults,
That Letter was my heart and soul and still refused the words I owe.

You weren't invincible and I was stronger without my walls
You aren't perfect, sure
but you were perfect for me
I wish I had seen that
I wish I could fix this
I hope that you're happy
I'm glad that you're healthy
I wish you would need me
The way that I need you
I wish I could do more
Than type out three cliché words
I wish I could scream it
I wish I could whisper
I wish I could cry it
And say to your face

Your eyes are the ones that stare at me at night and I wish I could go back and do it all right
I wish I was strong enough to weaken myself
I wish I could sort out the words in my mind
I wish I could say what I think and be vulnerable about my intent
instead of the usual "fuck it"
followed with any insertation of a
guarded compliment

I loved you.
I think that I still do...I love you.